Venting

Ok, I just need to vent and vent and vent. But where to start??? I'm finding it difficult to study when I just don't care anymore. It's not what I want so how do you keep on trucking along??? I'm just so torn apart and so.....lost. It seems like every time I see a light, the clouds come rolling in. I'm also frustrated at being left behind...but that's how it always goes with the youngest isn't it. I find it utterly impossible to see the future and it's killing me. I've never been a patient person and I've never been one to NOT stress and I feel it'll be the death of me. I want to go home, yet I want to go here yet I want to go there GAHHHH when will this ever end. I know I only have 3 and a half more weeks in this hell hole, but that knowledge is distracting me and causing me to be lazy and and.......I just want to get a job and settle for awhile. I need to be away from this place....and I have said this a million times I know, but I'm sick of being alone. I just can't read signs or messages and I still don't understand why men consider us the confusing gender. I don't see it at ALL!!!! Yet, there is a part of me that knows he isn't the one I should pursue, but being with out any male attention for oh 7 months really makes it difficult to not get a little excited at the smallest details, even if they get smashed and brought back up again. Boys suck. BUT then again i'm only 19 and I don't know what I want. There is something though that I know with a passion. Conference really hit me hard today about the significance of a temple marriage and having a family and I crave that so bad. I see my siblings getting married and having children and even though they are struggling with adversities at least they have someone there to help deal with it. It's amazing what being alone does to one's mental state of mind. I just want summer and sunshine and camping and.....I wanna go home. I can't do this much longer....I can't concentrate on my studies, I'm only doing things half assed and the only thing keeping me up is the Disney marathon I've been having and even that in itself has discouraged me. I seek and I seek comfort and help from the lord and ask him every day to keep me strong for this short while and every day I get a little more down trodden. I know I don't have it as rough as others, I still have shelter, and food, and a supportive family.....but I'm also miles and miles away from any of them, in a foreign place that brings me nothing but pain. The only bright side to this experience and I am grateful for it every day is the gaining of my testimony and the reunion with my savior. I also gained a forever sister, even if she was taken away from me. It seems that the start of the second semester was how my college experience was supposed to start if the lord hadn't played his hand in the situation and sent me Kayla. I just hope that I can make it through these next few weeks. I've gained and lost in this whole experience and I'm ready for it to be over. It's the last stretch and it's taking forever.....family I need your prayers.