Ok, I just need to vent and vent and vent. But where to start??? I'm finding it difficult to study when I just don't care anymore. It's not what I want so how do you keep on trucking along??? I'm just so torn apart and so.....lost. It seems like every time I see a light, the clouds come rolling in. I'm also frustrated at being left behind...but that's how it always goes with the youngest isn't it. I find it utterly impossible to see the future and it's killing me. I've never been a patient person and I've never been one to NOT stress and I feel it'll be the death of me. I want to go home, yet I want to go here yet I want to go there GAHHHH when will this ever end. I know I only have 3 and a half more weeks in this hell hole, but that knowledge is distracting me and causing me to be lazy and and.......I just want to get a job and settle for awhile. I need to be away from this place....and I have said this a million times I know, but I'm sick of being alone. I just can't read signs or messages and I still don't understand why men consider us the confusing gender. I don't see it at ALL!!!! Yet, there is a part of me that knows he isn't the one I should pursue, but being with out any male attention for oh 7 months really makes it difficult to not get a little excited at the smallest details, even if they get smashed and brought back up again. Boys suck. BUT then again i'm only 19 and I don't know what I want. There is something though that I know with a passion. Conference really hit me hard today about the significance of a temple marriage and having a family and I crave that so bad. I see my siblings getting married and having children and even though they are struggling with adversities at least they have someone there to help deal with it. It's amazing what being alone does to one's mental state of mind. I just want summer and sunshine and camping and.....I wanna go home. I can't do this much longer....I can't concentrate on my studies, I'm only doing things half assed and the only thing keeping me up is the Disney marathon I've been having and even that in itself has discouraged me. I seek and I seek comfort and help from the lord and ask him every day to keep me strong for this short while and every day I get a little more down trodden. I know I don't have it as rough as others, I still have shelter, and food, and a supportive family.....but I'm also miles and miles away from any of them, in a foreign place that brings me nothing but pain. The only bright side to this experience and I am grateful for it every day is the gaining of my testimony and the reunion with my savior. I also gained a forever sister, even if she was taken away from me. It seems that the start of the second semester was how my college experience was supposed to start if the lord hadn't played his hand in the situation and sent me Kayla. I just hope that I can make it through these next few weeks. I've gained and lost in this whole experience and I'm ready for it to be over. It's the last stretch and it's taking forever.....family I need your prayers.
***********FOODOLOGY******
What is your salad dressing of choice? poppyseed or ranch
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Red Lobster or Olive Garden
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Alfredo
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Olives and mushrooms
What do you like to put on your toast? eggs and bacon
Chocolate or Vanilla? Definitely chocolate
***********TECHNOLOGY*****
How many televisions are in your house? One
What color cell phone do you have? Blue
Do you have a laptop? Yes a Dell
***************BIOLOGY****
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? My wisdom teeth.
What is the last heavy item you lifted? My backpack
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? nope
************BULLCRAPOLOGY*
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no because then I would stress. I already stress about it.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Rebekka..but then I wouldn't get to name my daughter that.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Probably
************DUMBOLOGY*****
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 2
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? When I got pulled over going to Lagoon with Nicole's work. Which was like 2 years ago.
Last person you talked to on the phone? My mom
Last person you hugged? My mom
**************FAVORITOLOGY
Season? Spring/Fall
Holiday? Christmas
Day of the week? Saturday
Month? September & October when the leaves change color.
***********CURRENTOLOGY***
Missing someone? my family & Kayla & my dog
Mood? Tired and bored
What are you listening to? Rush "Cut to the Chase"
Watching? Myself type
Worrying about? Whether or not I should like this boy.
***************RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning? The bathroom
Do you smile often? I used to. I don't smile as much anymore sadly.
Sleeping alone tonight? yup *Sighs*
Do you always answer your phone? Yup
It’s four in the morning and you get a text message... wrong number or drunken friend? Drunken Friend....most likely Eddie.
What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? probably coconut mmmm
Do you own a digital camera? Yes
Have you ever had a pet fish? Yup I have Sir Herman Scuttles the 1st!!
Favorite Christmas song(s)? Sleigh Ride
What's on your wish list for your birthday? A CAR...(got something towards that though :D )
Can you do push ups? A half of one.
Can you do a chin up? I can lift my chin up. Does that count?
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? BOTH
Do you have any saved texts? Nope
Ever been in a car wreck? Only one serious one. The others were just little dinks. No biggie.
Do you have an accent? All depends on where I am at. I can easily have one though.
Plans tonight? Work on my Biology Review
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I'm there. LOL and boy is it bumpy.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday? Probably Diet Pepsi, Food, and food.
Have you ever been given roses? Not that I can remember :( Maybe from my mom once.
Met someone who changed your life? Kayla
How did you bring in the New Year? Sitting alone in my parent's living room trying to find the sparkling cider while they were asleep :( Alone once again.
Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Just my ears
Does anyone love you? I believe my family does. LOL that's about it.
What songs do you sing in the shower? Oh all kinds, depends on my mood.
Ever had someone sing to you? My friends would always leave a voice mail singing me a song. Usually Kallie :D
Have you held hands with anyone today? Nope :(
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Herman my fish. He is a terrible poser.
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? whatever my parents were listening to. LOL
Do you believe in staying close with your exes? Nah...I'd prefer to be as far away as possible from them and hey what do you know I AM :D
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Mostly old, i've made a few new ones but nothing to grandiose.
Do you like pulpy orange juice? EWWW sick no and I can't believe my mother does.
What is something your friends make fun of you for? The stupid things I say and do (and it's more my family than my friends.....what am I saying my family are my friends)
Have you ever ridden an elephant? No but I want to!!
Do you like to play Scrabble? I have never played it.
What are you saving your money up for right now? A CAR
When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? The other day. That is one of the basic food groups I eat at college :D
Ok, so I have been debating on switching my major and taking a break from college for a year. I would value opinions on this idea. Here is what I ahve come up with
- I have been told I'd do good as a psychologist and I have a natural knack for helping people with problems.
- However, I LOVE nature and I find some aspects of biology fascinating.
- I am not looking forward to the hard math classes I have to take for biology, Psychology on the other hand I would be done with my math and no CHEMISTRY. :D
- I would be closer to at least some of my family and I wouldn't have to tough it out in the -50 degree weather in Fairbanks.
- Biology has a lot of out in the field study (which is what I want) but doesn't mean I can physically go days on end packing a backpack up steep mountains due to my back problems. Psychology is sitting behind a desk lol :D
- I will have to wait a LONG time before I can do what I want in the Wildlife Biology field and I wouldn't always be sure I'd have a job. I possibly won't even be in the field at all. Stuck in a laboratory (which I hate labs) doing stuff I don't enjoy.
- Psychology come natural to me however, I don't like drama or people for that matter hahaha :D But I love to help people out with their problems.
So my family what do you think? I have a good idea of where this is going to head, but I would like opinions. I know in the end it's my decision, but I like hearing what others have to say.
As I sat here after watching the movie "Charly" well during the last part of it, I was moved to heavy tears. At the end she's always trying to get her baby to say Momma and finally he does at the very end. I know it's not the same, but I realized that I wanted it. I wanted so bad to have that knowledge and love that I would have an eternal family. I realized I wanted it with every fiber of my being. I wanted to be the perfect mormon mom who had her family and faith. After the movie I started listening to Hilary Weeks and this song "Eyes of Faith" has always hit me the strongest. It tells me what I must do and what can come of it. I love the song and it speaks to me. I am so blessed to have the support of my family behind me. I know the lord has something special for me and that if I try and have faith I can have what I want most in this world now. Not my education, not my career path, or friends. I want an eternal family and I want to be with my lord in heaven someday. I want to be able to look at him and know that I am worthy of it. That's just what I had thoughts about.
Well as I said in the other post Kayla finally left. She left on January 6 and is now back in Oklahoma. She told me her dad plans to send us on a trip for Spring Break. We are both thinking Mexico so I can catch up on my tan, since I seem to not be getting much of one up here. We had a blast the day before she left. We went for a walk to take pictures and could hear this strange barking everywhere. We couldn't exactly pinpoint where it was at, at first. Then we noticed it wasn't far off. So we headed south to Tudor road which isn't far. We thought it might be the Iditarod starting up, but then I said I thought
it started later in the year. As we came to the road and looked across there was a bunch of dogsled races going on. I had forgot there was a dogsled course across the street. It wasn't a big one or anything, but there were a lot of trucks so it wasn't bad. It was -11 that day and for some odd reason the tip of my hair frosted over. It was rather funny. Well after that the next day and a half went by pretty quick and we didn't do much of anything. We watched all 3 Work and the Glory, because Kayla had only seen the first. I miss her a lot and it's been a little rough so far, but I can make it.
I received a very distressing text this morning from my best friend Kayla telling me that she won't be coming back to Alaska. Her dad has kicked her out for no reason and she can't afford school. She does not know what else to do. I am very sad and I am really struggling on how I'm going to cope without her. I will miss her dearly and she will always hold a very special place in my heart and I hope that it isn't the last of our friendship or our contact with each other. I love her like she was my own sister. I missed her already from the vacation and now the thought of going back isn't pleasant. Neither does moving to Fairbanks, because we had planned to go there together and start a dogsled team. I just hope and pray that something will change before Tuesday. If you are there god I need a miracle so I can get my friend back........because I don't know what to do.
As I was watching "Little Women" a comment made by Jo after Beth's death hit me hard. "Will we never all be together again?" It cut me deep realizing how homesick I was for my family...my siblings and how I miss them so. It made waiting for these next few weeks even harder. Christmas I won't be ashamed to say I will bawl my eyes out. I have been over sensitive lately for some odd reason and I'm missing home more and more. I miss going on vacations and sitting around the dinner table. I miss the games and the piling up on mom and dad's bed to just be pests. All in all I just miss everyone..... I love you guys.